my checklist

i met one. only one, and it will stay only one. i'm not sure how it all happened, it was quick and all of a sudden i was on my way to meet the foreigner at the local coffee house. really i had no expectations. none. and my expectations were totally met. i was amazed at my ability to nurse a 16oz mint tea for almost 2 hours. i was also amazed how good i am at holding an entertaining conversation when i'm secretly bored. among the conversation topics was...his last interweb date. it was unknowingly exactly what i needed to talk about. as the conversation unfolded i realized i'm dealing with a seasoned interweb dating pro. anyway, he continues to tell me about this girl who went through an entire checklist of questions that she needed answered in order to assess her interest in him. as i listened to the disgust in his voice, describing his shock and appal that a virtual stranger would ask such personal questions, i found myself siding with him, enthusiastically nodding my head in agreement. "who does that?" was my immediate response. as the time moved forward, minute by minute, second by second, and seemingly hour by hour i realized. that girl was a freaking genius! genius! she is truly the master of interweb dating. me, sitting there trying to figure out how to get out of this situation without being an interweb bitch but being direct without leading anyone on, frantically thinking of lies i could tell, hmm, i'm married? i'm moving away? i'm lesbian? i realized that i could never pull it off. quick make a list! don't be a wussy! then it was "yeah, i'm glad we met too...sure call me if you want to...sledding, yeah, for sure". dammit! i'm a failure! an interweb dating failure and a fraud!
so now it's time for me to create my checklist. a fool proof way to avoid any future uncomfortable encounters with unwanted interweb attention. a verifiable method to repel potential unwanted suitors. a checklist in what i want in a mate. pure genius by an obviously well seasoned dating pro. so here goes:
1. money. lots and lots of money. any man of mine must have it.
2. a sweet ass ride.
3. a lovely bronze tan to accentuate the muscles of a greek god.
4. a job that requires business cards.
5. a really manly scent. preferable of the ed hardy variety.
really it's a short and simple list. no big deal.