my checklist

i met one. only one, and it will stay only one. i'm not sure how it all happened, it was quick and all of a sudden i was on my way to meet the foreigner at the local coffee house. really i had no expectations. none. and my expectations were totally met. i was amazed at my ability to nurse a 16oz mint tea for almost 2 hours. i was also amazed how good i am at holding an entertaining conversation when i'm secretly bored. among the conversation topics was...his last interweb date. it was unknowingly exactly what i needed to talk about. as the conversation unfolded i realized i'm dealing with a seasoned interweb dating pro. anyway, he continues to tell me about this girl who went through an entire checklist of questions that she needed answered in order to assess her interest in him. as i listened to the disgust in his voice, describing his shock and appal that a virtual stranger would ask such personal questions, i found myself siding with him, enthusiastically nodding my head in agreement. "who does that?" was my immediate response. as the time moved forward, minute by minute, second by second, and seemingly hour by hour i realized. that girl was a freaking genius! genius! she is truly the master of interweb dating. me, sitting there trying to figure out how to get out of this situation without being an interweb bitch but being direct without leading anyone on, frantically thinking of lies i could tell, hmm, i'm married? i'm moving away? i'm lesbian? i realized that i could never pull it off. quick make a list! don't be a wussy! then it was "yeah, i'm glad we met too...sure call me if you want to...sledding, yeah, for sure". dammit! i'm a failure! an interweb dating failure and a fraud!
so now it's time for me to create my checklist. a fool proof way to avoid any future uncomfortable encounters with unwanted interweb attention. a verifiable method to repel potential unwanted suitors. a checklist in what i want in a mate. pure genius by an obviously well seasoned dating pro. so here goes:
1. money. lots and lots of money. any man of mine must have it.
2. a sweet ass ride.
3. a lovely bronze tan to accentuate the muscles of a greek god.
4. a job that requires business cards.
5. a really manly scent. preferable of the ed hardy variety.
really it's a short and simple list. no big deal.

f@#k...i'm tirone!!!

oh hell. i am stuck in a whirlwind of bittersweet truth.
in my intweb frenzy, i like to spy on people who peep my profile. so last night in my investigative work, who do i see as having peeped me? yessiree, none other than clash_cow! what the hell clash_cow?! make up your mind! my brain begins to spin into the usual crazy girl web of irrational thoughts. why was he looking at me? was breanne right when she said he was just playing hard to get? is he just shy? he is probably interested even though i've sent him and email and a wink and marked that i was interested in the daily 5! maybe he's just waiting for me to show more interest! (note: i recognize that entire stream of consciousness is ridiculous and irrational and i would tell anyone that told me a similar story to wake up because silence is as good as fuck off) having clearly been lost in a parallel universe where clash_cow is interested, i notice he is online. and beneath his tiny picture it yells to me: IM ME NOW! really? should i? this is where my brain should have said, hell no! that is the worst idea ever! alas, anyone who knows me knows that i lack a voice of reason. and i mean i've never been introduced to any voice other than the one that pushes me to shove dead cats into cookie jars late at night to leave on doorsteps and call it a prank. that's what i'm dealing with here. so of course IM ME NOW! is a safe decision in comparison. so a thought flutters through my brain, "what's the harm in one sentence. one sentence. i'll give him a chance. something clever, something witty, he's bound to love me." then before i knew it it was done. one sentence: "you're trying really hard to ignore me".
silence.
doh!
the next day, over a lovely breakfast with a trusted friend, the truth set in. i told the story and finished with "that's funny, right?"
the response, "yeah...or creepy".
what?! there's a possibility that my super charm and wit could be misconstrued as creepy stalker ulterior motives?! shit! i'm an interweb preditor! i'm tirone!!!

rejection...rejection?!

the one thing that i was not prepared for was rejection. not that i am arrogant or narcissistic, thinking that i am above rejection, it was just an unknown factor. it came out of the blue, thus leaving me unprepared to deal with all that it includes. day two was a rude awakening from my shortlived interweb superiority. my wing woman found him. clash_cow. he is beautiful. i'm not sure how else to describe him. although beautiful in a santa claus sort of way. meaning that he may or may not be who he claims to be. almost fictional. but if he is fictional, he did a damn good job of creating his character. witty, seemingly intelligent, creative, cute dog, funny. to sum up, he looks like my soul mate. ha. that makes me laugh to read it. but i'll stick with it, he looks like my soul mate. so, clash_cow sends an invitation to the women of the internet to send in their funniest jokes. so we do. it goes a little something like this "so a grasshopper walks into an icecream parlor. the guy behind the counter says, 'hey, we have an ice cream named after you! and then the grasshopper says, 'what?! you have an ice cream named kenneth?!" funny right? well apparently it was not humorous to mr. cow. no response. no wink (something akin to the facebook 'poke'). silence. and the sound of my heart shriveling up into a cold grey wad of veins. and believe me, it may sound like a silent process, but it echoes like a son of a bitch. but really it's the reverberation that kills you. and there you have it. the painful process of unrequited love. dramatic, you may say? perhaps, but let's see how you respond when the man that looks exactly like your soul mate disses you on the interweb. yeah, let that happen, then come talk to me.

the adventure continues

tirone was followed by an onslaught of men that i knew existed, but have never met. sort of like unicorns, or the yeti, they are probably around, but you never see them. you know, guys with big big muscles and fake tans. guys that may or may not have just been released from prison. bald men with long goatee's and silver hoop earrings and tattoos and motorcycles and a wicked grin on their face. those guys. there were also the guys that, hmm, lets say "struggle" with social skills. and we talked to them all. it was an amazing three hours we spent in a shallow, superficial stupor judging men on their looks and the sentences they were or were not able to put together. honestly, it was almost vindicating to pass judgement. i know that is something your "not supposed to say", but as a woman, and having spent much of my life either hearing about or experiencing the judgements men place on an entire gender, it was a therapeutic release to do the same. there, i said it.

my experimental social life part I...

the interweb. that's right. it's a whole world in and of itself. matrix style. this all started as a 3 day experiment, sort of like gilligan's island (a three hour tour...) and turned into so much more! a combination of late night boredom and curiosity about human nature turned into a profile on...match.com. exactly one week ago, with my wingwoman at my side, we set out to turn the interweb dating world on its head. our first experience was tirone. that is his name and i refuse to change it to protect the innocent. i feel like i will be protecting innocent by divulging his name. the tirone experience is best described by his headline..."LOVE IS WHAT MATTERS......Then there's the mutual attraction. I AM TURN ON BY HER FRESHNESS!!!" really, that's what it says. i could go into depth about this, but we might be here all day. to make a long story shorter, tirone was the hook. once i saw him, i was in. perhaps for selfish, entertainment value, but i was in none the less. the three day trial was on.